Monday, June 8, 2009

Nasa sa 'Yo Lamang

Nasa sa 'Yo Lamang

Sa pagpatak ng ulan
Hindi mo maintindihan
Kung bakit sunud-sunod
Ang pagbagsak nila.

'Wag kang malungkot
Kung ikaw ma'y mabasa
'Wag kang iiyak
Kung maraming problema.

Maaaring maputikan ang iyong mga paa
'Wag kang aasang may magpupunas niyan
Matutong magtiis at masanay
Matutong makibagay.

At kung nakasanayan na
Pagbuhos ng ula'y 'di na alintana
Hindi kailangang mainip
Dahil sa 'yo'y pag-ula'y wala na.

Mama

Ako ang may sala
Maski na ako'y isang bata
Ako ang dahilan ng pag-iyak ni Mama
Bakit niya pinakasalan si Papa?

Bakit hindi mo siya hinintay
Disinsana'y mas maayos ang buhay
Hindi ka sana mapapagod
Sa araw gabi na pagkayod.

Ang malas mo pa't ako’ng naging anak mo
Walang kwenta't walang paki sa 'yo
Sugal at droga kaibigan ng asawa mo
Tinatanong sa taas bakit nagkaganito?

Mali ka nga ba sa pagmamaniobra
O sadyang dapat sisihin ang tadhana?
Baka ikaw naman talaga ang may sala
Hindi mo matanggap kaya isinisisi sa iba.

Friday, June 5, 2009

What Happened to Me


Literally,what happened to me?Maybe you are wondering what I meant by that title I typed above?Well I was reading Alboms' "Tuesdays with Morrie" when I felt the urge to pour out my heart's thoughts about who I am now.I guess,I realize that I changed a lot now.I am so different from the girl I used to be.However,does anyone care about the person I am before.Peolple did not even notice it.Or they noticed it but never told me about this or what?

I gained my friends because of my sunny disposition.Now,I feel like I might lose them because of my coldness and rigid attitude.I think,one part of me that never changed, is that I listen to them.However,with my demanding lifestyle,I lack time to take their stories in.I,too,is pretty loaded with problems that block my eyes with tiny droplets of water.The frustrations that never left my head over the years.The sentiments flaming like a big fire that I never had the power to put out.It is just so hard to breathe when the grip's to tight.

Honestly,I know the answer to the question I posted.It's just that I am so conceited to admit it.My heart made me weak.A person who raised me so high just pull me down so hard to the ground without him noticing that he did.Well,I thought I am alright but it is just now that I realized I have a hard heart.I am sorry if am too indifferent to everyone,yes I am.I know no one to be interested to read this blog but I just want to let it out that...YES,I am bitter with all the frustrations and the dreams that slipped out of my hands.am weak because I have fallen in love and get hurt.My heartache ate the great person the people around me used to love.YES,I did not have faith all those times,and now I am finding meaning. Meaning in His name.

Yellow by COLDPLAY, a Review?

I've read something about being yellow and all.Honestly,it's not clear to me.It's kind of hard to understand.I first saw the video of the song when I am still in Grade School and what a shame,I didn't' like it.Yeah,sunshine preferences?Now I am really into this song.Of course,it is all about love and giving hope.Yes,hope.The lyrics are full of encouragement.It tells everyone that there will always be someone looking after us even sometimes we feel all alone.And if we learn to trust in ourselves we'll eventually turn into someone we never thought we can be.Wait,I have to breathe,I've been talking too much.(Shut up!This is a blog!)

The Art of Waitng

Are you the one who always runs late to your barkada's lakad or are you always the first in line?

Me?Most probably,I am an early bird and most of the times I wait.I always wait for my friends to arrive when we have gimmicks and it is alright with me.Sanay na ako...(Emote?Bigla akong nagtagalog?)Well,I just hate being late because I hate the feeling of uneasiness.It feels like I am missing on something I do not know. So...I am always willing to wait.Yes I am.

Seriously,would you be willing to wait?How long can you?Hours?Days?Weeks?Months?Years?(Did I just mention all time measurements?)How about waiting forever?(Hopeless romantic mode:activated!)

Havel you experienced waiting for someone?Someone whose not sure if he/she is coming back.Will you wait without holding any compromise?Will you still be sane?Can you keep your cool?

However,if we'll look at it,it is nothing but just a big folly!Why would you wait for someone who never told you to wait for him/her anyway?But sometimes,we do not need words to tell us what to do.We just feel it.Let it be like that Beatles' song said.

Patient waiters are no losers.I read this form a children's book.(Whatever!Just sharing!)When we want something so much like success,wealth,recognition,peace of mind and most particularly,love, time is the one who decides.It is true when we wait for something to happen ,when it'll happen,it will.No matter how long.In God's time,it will come to reality.

While waiting we should learn to kill time as much as possible.For example if we are waiting for success it's hardwork plus inspiration.If it's healing,it's not about crying but living.If it's love,act truly,laugh free and socially engaged yourself to others.And all of these should be done with faith of course.

My "stone heart"(like I made everyone think it is)will surely get an A+ for it's capability to wait.Luckily,I am still sane so do not worry about everything you've read.I knew it,it would be so hard.However,now,I am trying to be late.I practice not waiting anymore.

As I write this,I am just waiting for my eyes to get tired and my mind to tell me that I need to get some sleep.I am just killing time when I wrote this.Think well.

the UP experience (Intro)



Sa totoo lang, hindi ko plinano ang mapadpad sa UP kahapon. Wala lang talaga akong magawa at isa pa ay ayaw ko pang umuwi sa amen. Hello?! 9 am palang kaya nun! Kaya ayun tinwagan ko ang aking matalik na kaibigang si Jacqui. Nagpunta ako dun na medyo kinakabahan dahil second time ko pa lang pupunta dun. Naghintay ako sa field sa likod ni Oble. Ang emo ko talaga pumili ng meeting palce noh? Pero bago kami magkita ni Jacqui ay lumibot muna ako sa ilang buildings doon. Noon kaya ko gustong pumasok sa UP as a student ay dahil sa magagandang puno doon. Ang babaw ko eh noh? Medyo sandali lang ako nakapaglibot nakasulat nga ako ng lyrics ng kanta eh habang naghihintay. Ayun iniisip ko tuloy kung ano kaya nangyari sa akin kung natuloy pagpasok ko sa UPLB? Mas emo ako siguro noh? Hey baka iniisip ninyo na Emo talaga ako noh? Hinde ah? Pop culture sucks!

Pag-ulan ng Dahon



Lagi kong ninanais dumaan sa UP dahil ang ganda ng mga puno dun. Ika nga ni Sam Oh, it's the most romantic campus. Well one time nakahiga kami ng kaibigan ko sa Sunken, Umulan ng dahon, complete with the fog and all. Ang say dahil we got to talk about a lot of things that we rarely do nowadays dahil busy na kami. Ang dami kong na-meet sa Sunken tulad nina Kuya Calendar, Pony Boy at Kalakal kids.Ang kulit ng mga puno dun. At ang Shoppng Center sa UP na hindi ko matandaan bilang SC. Masaya ako dahil kasama ko ang aking kaibigan just talking about random things. Ayoko na mag-aral! Sana maulit ito ulit. Hala, puro ulit na yung sentence ko.

Korni

Napaka-random ng mga nangyari this week. One moment your high, then one moment more you're flunking.

Yeh,daming ginagawa and I am just do tired of doing these things. Tuesdays stink,yeah they do stink. Filled with people thta's hard to deal with.

Wednesday, yeah acting and buckyling,is my word correct? Yeah, Powerbooks, Para kay B mode. Katulad ba ako ni Sandra na walang pinanghahawakan kundi ang isang alaala. Buti nga si Sandra may cheap watch. Yeah managhili daw ba sa kapalaran. Yeah ganda rin ng Kiko Machine 3 huh. Katuwa ang lovelife ni Tusok at ni Bagsak. Naisip ko lang kung paano kaya pag nagkita kami ni Atom sa Powerbooks?

Thursday, wala akong matandaan sa mga pangyayari eh...ordinary day, thinking about things I usually think about. Basta alam ko ayaw ko kumilos ng araw na ito eh.

Friday,eto ang barado day,lagot ako kay MAM. Kaasar, responsibilities suck. Yeah, hindi pa rin ako nakakpag-move on sa pagkaasar ko kay Mam Pareng Tela kaya eto cutting na naman. Powerbooks I am coming thanks to Riza. Yeah, nagkita na naman kami ni B. Ganda talaga ng lamn niya,gusto ko na ngang nakawin eh...Kaasar.

Concert ng dati kong school. I mean mayroon ba school na nag-coconcert? Well they all think na dalaga na ako because I am wearing my indulgent earrings,yeah indulgent. Sabi ko "baka magulat na lang kayo, lalake pala ako." I mean it. harhar.

Malalanding Gabi



Masyado 'atang mahalay ang title ng blog kong ito. Pero sa totoo lang hindi naman ito intense. 'wag mag-alala dahil safe itong basahin ng mga kids although hindi ko alam if they will even read my blog. Back to the topic, malalanding gabi. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan ng beses dumalaw sa akin ito. Ano ba ang ibig kong sabihin sa mga bagay na ito. Wala lang, naiisip ko lang siya. Siya na hindi ko na makikita ulit, hindi na makaka-usap pa. Lagi ko na lang naiisip isipin na paano kaya kung tigilan ko na ang pag-alala sa lumang alaalang yun. Medyo destructive na siya sa system ko mga men. Hindi ko naman kayang pakawalan ang isang dekada ng ganun-ganun na lang. Ewan ko kung naiintindihan ninyo ang mga pinagsasabi ko at kung nagkaka-konek konek ang mga thoughts.

Simple lang naman eh. Mababaw lang kumbaga. Ito ay tungkol sa walang kamatayang un-reciprocated love. Alam ko na hindi ako dapat nag-iinarte ng ganito pero hayaan ninyo na ako, minsan lang ito. Minsan lang ako maging babae at magkapuso. Madalas kasi ay naiiwan ko 'ito sa loob ng drawers namin sa bahay o kaya naman ay naiipit ko sa pages ng "journals" ko. Ayun, sa sobrang hardcore ng damdamin ay kinikilabutan ako, tumatayo ang mga best friend kong balahibo kapag naiisip ko ang lahat. Sa totoo lang, ang hina-hina ko dahil naiwan na ako ng oras ay stranded pa rin ako.

Siguro nga, ang kalandian ko ay hanggang sa isip ko na lang. Patuloy kong maiiwan ang puso ko sa loob ng mga kahon at mga pahina.

SABADO



Nasiraan ang bus

Kay aga-agang kamalasan nito

Muntik na akong masagasaan

Nasigawan ni Manong Jeepney Driver

Nakakainis talaga

Ang ingay-ingay dito,ang sakit sa ulo

Ang bilis ng aming takbo

Pero tuloy pa rin ang pagtulog ko

Ang pagtulog ko

Ang pagtulog ko.Ang pagtulog ko.

Andito na pala ako

Lakad,lakad,sige takbo

Wala naman pala akong dadatnan

Hindi naman pala kinakailangan

Ang layo pa naman ng nilakbay ko

Nahilo sa biyahe at sumakit ang ulo

Ang haba pa naman ng kalyeng to

Ngunit kahit ganun,andito pa rin ako

Andito pa rin ako.Andito pa rin ako.

Andito pa rin ako.

Bakit ba ayaw mo pang bumaba?

Mula sa utak ko.

Hindi ka ba marunong pumara?

Para kang pasaherong nawawala

Hindi alam kung saan pupunta.

A Letter

To Mr. Coldcastle,


Good day! I hope you are looking up in the sky while reading this letter of mine. As you read this, remember that we are under the same sky. Remember to smile, though you do not mean it. As you always do, you deceive me by your endless actuations of silence. I know we are not friends but still I’m writing you this letter to remind you that I’m going. However, I know that this letter will never land on your hands. Well anyway, you do not have any single interest. Do not worry, after this, you would not see me ever again. This is not a letter to test your conscience. Just take care. I know you already found someone but I guess she does not reciprocate the love you give her. But I do not have any care anymore. I have waited long enough. I have to go. Maybe we will see each other again. In some other time, some other life. I’ve waited long enough. Although I know your eyes won’t land on this letter, I want to say that I will never forget those days I have been with you. But life goes on as we all know. And I have to. You don’t care. It’s alright. I have no right to say what I feel, right at this very moment for it does not matter. This is the last time I will talk to you. I know you do not like me. But honestly I do not know why you turned your back on me. I hope your life is better without me and as I see you I know it’s better. Just do not push yourself. I’ll forget about you for the betterment of myself. I just want to go. Will you not say anything about it? I have never been more alone in my life than what you made me feel for the past years of my existence. Do I even exists in you? But I know this downfall would make me better. Do not worry, I know you won’t. I will not find somebody else. I will try my very best not to see you again. I guess you are my first mistake.

So long Yesterday. So long.

Farewell,

Miss Masquerade

A Story

Raindrops

By: Catherine Andres

(November 22, 2008)

I want to see you on summer days I do not want you to see me though

I want to wander the hotness of the Season With just the nostalgia And not with anybody, I know.

No one will find me in the place I will go The breeze from the fields will Soothe my soul.

I will run amongst beds of clouds And think of you. From up there I will watch you from time to time. And I am glad you will never know.

I will run home with the rain I hope you will not notice How fast I fell and how cold I am.

Leaves will fall into my eyes And cover them However, I will still see you My eyes will never fail to see you. Trees might look dead But I have never been.

I sat down in the whiteness and see The coldness of my heart I will not say a word I will sit here forever.

I was covered still My mind can be found under the snow hill. I saw the sun It was up again Everything has life Except me. Children run around Busy making flower crowns That I also used to make For someone you used to be.

I tried to catch a dragonfly But I fell to the ground The children laugh at me While I was watching them play.

Unlike seasons, you can never happen again Never again in my whole life

So long to my friend, Summer Thanks for the snow, Winter

Goodnight my dear, Autumn Take care, my Spring. Goodbye to a self I used to know.


Chapter One

The Comeback

This is where it starts…

All I can see above is the sky with her friends and I feel so glad for her. I look around and I am impressed. I am impressed with the world’s beauty. Yes, everything in it. Again, I look around. There are many people here today. On my left, is a young father and his beautiful son. He is teaching him how to ride a bike. I remember someone. I felt so envious of the child. Why? No one has “risk” his patience with me. However, I tried to teach myself but nothing came out. Now I have grown old not knowing how to. I regret it. Why? Again? Well, I asked you many questions, I am sure you do not know the answer. This time I will not answer my own question.

Then another gaze. I saw a familiar face, I think. He drives his car around this park. He moves slowly. This park is my home. I s he here to find me? Or to ask me question s I do not know the answers. To tell you honestly, my world stopped just seeing him. I followed his every turn…One…Two…Four…

And I didn’t realize it. Yes, I missed it.

Chapter Two

His Birthday

Setting: Cathy’s House- The Gate

Act One, Scene One

“Let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster…,” he sang in a shouting manner. It is summer. It’s his season. The weather is good, really good! And he goes biking most of the time. What the news said was true; the sun is on its all out performance today. However, he never cared about it. After some houses, old trees and empty lots, he’s finally here. In front of his favorite house.

“Cathy, get out! Heeeeeyyyy!” He yelled. He looks up to the window of his friend’s room. No face of Cathy. He guessed Cathy is asleep. She is the ultimate sleepyhead and he cannot change that, somehow he knew.

Again, he yelled. This time desperately harder. Still, no Cathy.

Suddenly, a pair of soft and small hands covered his eyes.

“Who am I?” she said.

“Cathy, what are you thinking?” he said with annoyance.

(His eyes still covered with Cathy’s hands)

“Do I have to answer that? Honestly?” she said while giggling.

“I am thinking of throwing you from the bridge down to the river….” She said softly. It is almost a whisper. Then she laughed aloud and let go of him.

“Come with me.”

“Where?”

“Somewhere you have never been?”

“And where is that?”

He hurriedly rode his bike.

“What? Aren’t you coming?”

“What do you think?”

“When will you ride your own bike?” he said.

“When will you teach me?” she said smiling.

“You already know how to bike! It is just that you are lazy to pedal and you want me to be the only one having sweat.”

Is that an ultimatum? She said in her mind.

“I am getting excited! Come on! Let us go…,” she said.

“Yeah right, you always know the best excuse.” He said grinning.

Chapter 3

Setting: A Riverbank with some High Grass

Act Two, Scene One

They usually do this during summer days. They go around the village, just enjoying time. Aside from it is school break, it is very convenient to have their escapades on a hot weather with the breeze all over their faces and skins. Although, Cathy rides with him in his bike most of the times, actually at all times, she never hugged his waist. She is busy closing her eyes and feeling the winds and smelling the seasons scent. Sometimes, he gets scared that Cathy might fall off. It is his birthday today. And he knows that Cathy knows it. No one will patiently celebrate it with him, only Cathy.

“We are here.” He puts down a small woven basket. Actually, it only has two apples, some cookies and a bottle of chocolate inside.

“You said you’ll bring me somewhere I’ve never been? But you know we always celebrate your birthday here, every year.”

“Tell that to me later, when we are done.”

“Done doing what?” she asked.

He did not answer back.

He brings out his kites. Yes, kites. It is simple. Both are plain white. It is both blank. He never mentioned to Cathy that he was working on these kites for the past few days.

He has been open to Cathy; she is not his only friend though. He has his peers in school and Cathy has her own too. They have been friends ever since Cathy’s family moved in into one of the mansions of the village. Cathy is funny and bubbly for a girl her age. She is already fifteen and sooner she will turn into a woman. Honestly, he does not want that to happen. He is not yet ready to lose her. Her deafening laughs on his silly jokes, her hands covering his eyes, baby talking while calling his name, her times with him. He is not ready to let go of that when that day comes. He thinks he will never will.

“What is that for? For your birthday wishes? You said you never believe in wishes?” she asked contagiously.

“That is not for my wishes. As I have told you before I don’t believe in wishes. Come, sit with me here, let us eat.” He called.

Chapter Four

The Key

Act Two, Scene Two

They are eating apples. It is they’re favorite fruit; actually, it’s Cathy’s.

“Hey Cliff, come closer to me. Here.” Her hand resting on the grass they’re seating on.

“And why?” he asked.

“Do not ask anymore. Just come here.”

He followed. He can smell the citrus scent of Cathy’s perfume and he likes it. No he loves it. Their nearness a certain thrill on his body. He does not know if Cathy feels the same way. It does not matter anyway.

“I brought you something.”

It looks like a letter. It is not in an envelope. It is paper folded in thrice. There is something written. And here it goes…

April 1, 2004

Study Table

10:31 pm

My Silent Star

We go here on summer days

Just to linger around each other

You and I hide on hays

Until the sun gives us fevers.

You call my name with fondness

Fondness I never saw with the world

My only treasure is this closeness

Although we are never heard.

This is the only thing I can give you

I owe to you, who I am

I am not asking you to owe it to me too

I love who I am.

Do not part from me, okay?

Surely, I know you will not

I am still hoping anyway

That it is you that I’ll always have.

p.s.

Keep this, okay? You are very lucky that I wrote this for you, for someday my works would be recognized. You are the first person whom I wrote a poem for in his birthday. Realize how lucky you are?

Cathy is fond in writing poems. However, this is the first time that she made a poem for him. Usually, when his birthday comes, she gives him bookmarks and letters she made herself. It is just now that he realizes that Cathy has been doing this for seven years. Honestly, he keeps all her gifts in a wooden box. It’s his treasure chest, Cathy is her treasure.

“Hey, what can you say about it?” Cathy looks like she is waiting for a price like a studious child waiting for his in exchange of his high grades. However, he will no take the bait.

“Ahmmm…What do you want for an answer? An honest one? It is pretty simple , I mean ordinary.” He said not looking at her.

She does not speak. He guesses he hit something there. And he hate it when he does. It is just like hitting himself.

“But you’ll keep it? Right?” she said with her puppy eyes.

“Of course, I have no choice.” He said rigidly.

He does not want to show Cathy how he really feels for he fears that if God above will find out about it, He’ll take her away for Him to test his faith. And he does not want that to happen. He is afraid, yes.

He thought that he made her sad by criticizing her poem for him, but he was wrong. Cathy runs around; and the last thing he knew she pushes him to his bike where the kites are hung.

“Let it fly! Move quickly! Run! Run!” she said commandingly.

“Woah, woah…Stop pushing me. We’ll get there. First there is something we have to do.” He explained.

“What is it? The kites?”

“I told you earlier that I will bring somewhere you’ve never been, right? And now we are going there.” He said.

“How?” she said with a color of wonder in his eyes.

“By these kites.” He smiled.

“Then what do you call that place?” she asked with a grin.

Cathy raise the first kite while Cliff runs fast, the wind plays its part. One down. Then the second one. They are both flying the kites now, one for Cathy and the other for Cliff.

“We are now in the gates of my haven. Actually, I have never been inside of my haven.” He said still looking at his kite.

“Why?” She asks sounding so curious.

“I never have the key.” He answered.

“Then how can we get in?” she asks again.

“Whatever I’ll do, do not let go of the kite okay?” he commanded.

“Okay.” She gazes at him for a second then her eyes were both on her kite again.

“Promise?” he asks while looking at his kite too.

“Promise.”

“Catherine, you have the key.” He said.

Cathy turns her head to Cliff welcoming his face to her face.

The key to his haven is Catherine’s first kiss.

His hands are around her tiny waist. They talk in between their kisses.

(Collide by Howie Day: on the background)

“Don’t let go of the kite. My haven, your haven is up there. The kites are the gates.”

He said trying to catch his breath.

It’s already dark, Cathy has to go home. Now, they’re on their way back to Cathy’s house. They do not talk after the kiss. They are both silent. On the way, he feels that Cathy is wrapping her arms around him and she laid her head on his back. He smiles.

“Mark this day, Cliff; this is the best day you’ll ever have…”

Chapter Five

Chasing Memories

(Park, Near a Campus)

Character walking away from Park and People

It’s getting dark. I have to leave the park. I have things to do back in my apartment. I have to write on my diary. Honestly, I hate writing this diary for some reasons I am not ready to tell you yet.

I am inside the apartment. It is quite small but enough for someone like me. I do not open the lights when I come from the park. I do not feel comfort here because it is not a home; it is a plain structure for me. I do not eat much. I go to my bedroom and write my diary. Then continue writing a story about someone I used to know. If my eyes fall then I sleep that time.

It’s been five years since I graduated from the university and I know I am not getting any younger.

I’ve spent most of my time at the park. Pondering thoughts, gathering ideas. The park is near the university where I teach so it’s pretty convenient. Yes, I teach people. I teach people to act, write and talk. I do not know how I get to do that with all of these worries and fears in my life.

Monday, May 18, 1989

7: 09 pm

Earlier at the park, I made a mistake again. I’ve mistaken a hundred of cars for his car already. I always think that he is back. Honestly, I do not know where he is now.

I missed seeing him on summer days like today. Whenever I miss him, I look up at the sky because he might be up there watching me.

“Summer has gone. Autumn came and I was never prepared for it. And now the winter’s doing me no good at all. I am soaking in the coldness of my heart.”

I walked and walked ‘till I reach my doorstep. I do not want to tell you what I do when I walk. It’s just complete thinking and it’s just to complicated to explain those thoughts. Anyway, I am here, I am always afraid to come in. I am afraid that I might freeze because of frigidness inside these four corners. But I told myself, “Hey, you are lucky, you are alive.” Yeah right, I am.

I have been living alone for five years now. I have decided to move out from my parents’ house when they died. It is not that I do not want to remember their memories; it is just that I do not want to start grieving. I do not want to think of the things happened, how they died, how they are killed. Yes, I am afraid of drowning on those thoughts. I am afraid of thinking how and why I am alone now.

I got inside my apartment unit. It was the same. Of course, it was the same, I live alone. It was dark. I do not turn on lights. That’s a trivia. I have to finish this script I am writing, it’s due. I have to come up with story or else…Or else what? I am trying to survive.

“So Miss Blanche, this is your script? It is quite deep but simple. Is that all you got for the film showing this year? A love story? I am not so sure about your work right now. I like the concept but you know it is so simple. Work on the scene, make it scenes. Revise it. Then come back next week, the film showing is moved next month.” said Red. He is obviously my boss. He is honest with me and also a good friend of mine. Actually, I am pretty confused with his comments, is my work what?

Walang Wakas

Maaga pa. Sobrang aga pa talaga ng dumating ako sa Unibersidad. Mga janitors at guards pa lang ang naroroon. Naisipan kong lumibot muna sana kaso lang ay tinamad din ako. Nang makarating ako sa classroom ay wala pang katao-tao. As expected. Kaya nagpunta muna ako sa C.R.. Sarado iyon may nakaharang pa nga 'ata sa likuran niyon. Sixth floor wala rin. Eh di baba, baba. Hayun bukas naman. Wala pa ring katao-tao maliban sa isang batang kumakain sa labas ng palikuran. Anak 'ata ng janitress. Pumasok ako sa C.R.. Pumasok ako sa isang cubicle. Dito sa Unibersidad ay dapat ka ng masanay sa mga "di kagandahang palikuran". As expected may mga vandal sa pinto ng cubicle. Abnormal ang isang C.R. kung wala itong mga sulat. Binasa ko ang ilan sa mga ito. Ang ilan ay may mabibigat na ipinaglalaban:

Resist Remodification of Women!-Gabriela.

Ibagsak ang Rehimeng Arroyo!

No tuition fee increase. ( Binura pa ang salitang "increase" sa sobrang pagtutol ng mga estudyante dito.)

Normal na ang makabasa ng katulad ng mga ito dahil sinasabi nga na pugad ng mga aktibista ang aming Unibersidad. Hayagan ang pagtutol sa mga panukala ng pamahalaan nasa tingin nila ay mangdudusta lamang sa mga mamamayan. Dito ka makakakita na habang ngakaklase ang ibang estudyante, ay may nagra-rally, hindi batid ang perwisyong dulot nito sa iba basta maipaglaban ang kanilang mga pinaniniwalaan. Sa sarili kong opinion, wala akong masamang tinapay sa kanilang ginagawa. Sa katunayan nga ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong makinig sa mga isinisigaw nilang mga tibak. Hindi lang doon nagtatapos ang kanilang pagkilos, nagpupunta rin sila sa mga rooms upang i-discuss ang mga current issues. Sa tingin ko ang gawain nilang ito ay napakalaki ng maitutulong sa pagmumulat sa aming mga kapwa nila estudyante sa kung ano ang nangyayari sa bansa natin. Kaso imbes na suportahan sila ng Admin ay tinutuligsa pa sila.

Ayaw lang naman ng Admin ng gulo, 'yun lang. Ang punto nila ay bakit ba prino-problema ng mga aktibista ang hindi naman nila problema. Bakit pa pinipilt nila ipaglaban ang mga bagay na hindi naman nila dapat pinakikialaman? Napaka-ideyalistiko daw ng mga aktibista. Parang ang dali-dali lang daw lutuin ng pagbabago. Lahat naman tayo ay gusto nga pagbabago pero parang napakahirap ipaglaban nito sa kadahilanang, hindi matatamo ang pagbabago na ito kung hindi lahat kikilos. Kumbaga ba eh, nag-basketball ka mag-isa laban sa isang team.

Ang nakikita nilang solusyon sa lumalalang kalagayan ng lipunan ay ang edukasyon. Ano ang magagawa ng isang kabataang walang pera? Sa panahon ngayon, na kapitalismo ang naghahari, mahirap gumawa ng hakbang nang walang pinanghahawakang salapi. Mag-aral daw muna bago mag-rally! Kung may natapos ka na at kumikita na eh tsaka kumilos dahil sa panahong iyon eh mas may kakayahan na raw tayong ipaglaban ang ating mga paniniwala.

Eh sagot naman ng mga aktibista, dapat na nating simulan ang pagkilos ngayon dahil ang sitwasyon ng bayan ay palala na ng palala. Kung hindi ngayon, kailan pa? Simulan ang pagbabago ngayon!

Kung susuriin ang kanilang mga argumento, makikita naman talaga na ang dalawang grupo ay may kanya-kanyang punto na sinusuportahan ng mga balidong kadahilanan.

Nasa sa atin na ang pagpapasya kung saan ba tayo papanig o kung dapat ba tayong pumanig sa alinman sa dalawang lupon na nabanggit.

Napaka-aktibo yata ng utak ko nitong umagang ito upang mailathala lahat ng mga pananaw at paksa. May sakit yata yung utak ko. Tila nagpaparamdam at sabi pa ay " Hey pare, andito ako, gamitin mo naman ako paminsan-minsan." Funny, pati utak niya iniisip na tomboy siya.

Salamat sa mga vandalism. At nang dahil sa kanila ay na-inspire ako magsulat. Hindi mo talaga mape-predict ang ideas. Salamat ulit sa mga vandalism.

Pahabol:

Sa taas ay nabanggit na ang inilahad ko ay ang mga nabasa ko sa cubicle na may mga mabigat na pinaglalaban, deep ba kumabaga. So kung may deep ay may shallow! Ano kaya yung mga shallow na 'yun? Shallow nga ba talaga? O seryosong usapan din?

Shallow ba ang pag-ibig?

Pilipinas, Isang Bansang Insecure

Alam ko, alam mo at alam nating lahat kung bakit ko ito nasabi. Mahal ko naman ang bansang ito pero kung titingnan ganito talaga ang lagay ng ating bayan, nating mga Pilipino.

Sandamakmak ang sumisikat na performers, singers, mga banda, mga artista at marami pang iba. Panay mga dayuhan. At ito ang tinatangkilik ng mga kabataan ngayon. Nasa henerasyon kasi tayo ng 'brain washing'. Idinidikta ng mundo na ang pagpa-patronize sa mga banyagang ito ang 'in'. Sikat ka kapag gusto mo ang music nila, films, literature, pananamit, maging kanilang kultura na malayung-malayo sa sariling atin.

Isang patunay pa ng ating pagiging insecure ay ang ating pagiging copycats. Oo, aminin man natin o hindi, hindi natin ito mapapsubalian. Halimbawa na lang ang pop American music. Kapag sumikat ito ng sobra-sobra ay sasabayan naman nating mga Pinoy ng Tagalized version. Ang nakakaasar ay tuwang-tuwa pa tayo sa mga bersiyon nating ito ng mga banyagang awitin. Kinopya na naman natin sila, tinagalog lang. Kung tutuusin, talentado tayong mga Pinoy kaya naman hindi naman natin dapat pang gamitin ang gawa ng iba upang ma-appreciate ng ating kapwa ang ating mga kakayahan. Kaya natin silang higitan kung nanaisin natin. Ang kulang lang naman sa atin ay tiwala sa sarili.

Isa pa ay mga palabas sa telebisyon, nung una ay inatake tayo ng kay rami-raming programa ng mga Intsik, Koreano at Hapon. Ano ang idinulot nito? Ang mga programang ito ang namayani sa mga networks. Nabawasan ang mga palabas na mga artistang Pinoy ang tampok. Makakatipid nga naman ang mga istasyon ng telebisyon kapag ang mga 'telenovela' kagaya ng mga nabanggit ang ipapalabas sa mga telebisyon. Sikat ang imported. Gwapo't magaganda, iba ang dating dahil banyaga. Mapuputi, ibang-iba sa mga Pinoy. Malakas ang hatak sa masa. Kung malakas ang hatak sa masa, lalo na sa mga advertisers na gumagastos ng milyun-milyon para lang maipalabas ang ad sa 'most watched' tv station.

Pero hindi pa tayo nagkasya sa panghihiram ng mga palabas ng mga dayuhan, ginawan na naman natin ng mga sarili nating versions. Halimbawa na lang ay ang palabas na My Girl na ipinalabas sa ABS-CBN. Okay, maganda ang original version. Nag-click sa viewers. Hayun…sinundan ng Pinoy version. Click naman. Kaso lang nabubulok ang artistic juices nating mga Pinoy. Marami namang talented writers na dapat mabigyan ng magagandang break. Katwiran naman ng iba, kapag Filipino writers daw ay expected mo na ang mga nangyayari sa istorya. Predictable ba. Hindi naman dapat lahatin ang mga manunulat, meron talagang may mga talento na dapat gawaran ng pansin. Pero ano? Ang mga manunulat dito sa bansa, walang lugar. Tipo bang 'pag sinabi mo sa Nanay mo na gusto mo maging writer eh baka murahin ka at talak-talakan ka pa ng bonggang-bongga.

Ano pa? Nabanggit ko kanina ang 'brainwashing'. Present ito ngayon sa advertising trends ano? I mean kailan ba iyon nawala? Pero iba na kasi ngayon. Garapalan na ang kompetisyon. Kung anu-ano na ang ipinagsasabi. Talagang nakikipag-sabayan sa mga uso. Uso ang mapuputi? Aba'y nangaglitawan ang 'di mabilang na whitening soap. Uso ang glutathione? Eh 'di may mga bago na namang produktong naglabasan, may mura, may mahal. May peke, may tunay. Nakalakip ba sa kaputian ng balat ang kabutihan ng pagkatao? Kapag maputi ka, maganda ka. Maraming kaibigan, maraming boyfriends. Sus, insecurities nga naman oo.

Mayroon pa, nauso 'yung tsinelas na daan-daan hanggang isang libo ang presyo. Kapg meron ka 'nun sosyal ka, mayaman. Burgis. Ayos. Kaya kahit 'yung mga taong imbes na pangkain na lang sa recess ang pera, tinitipid pa para sa isang pares ng gomang galing sa ibang bansa. Mahusay, mahusay na gawa.

Kulang na kulang pa ang mga nabanggit ko sa itaas. Iisa lang naman ang nais kong iparating. Hindi ba natin gugustuhin na may matawag naman tayong 'atin' at hindi na lang magkasya sa panggagaya sa iba? Hindi ba natin alam na pinatutunayan lang natin na hindi naman talaga tayo tuluyang nakalaya sa anino ng pananakop ng mga banyagang hinahangaan pa natin? Huwag kang mahiya maging Pilipino, 'yun lang.

You and Me, an Illusory Story



This is the last time I'll die

Though this is the first time that I'll lie

I won't take glance at you anymore

'Cause, what is that for?

But, in the corners of my eyes

I still see you freely

I can see your cries

I don't have to care about you and me.

You love someone new

Who fools you but you don't know

You still believe your guts, though it's few

For that, my true love lets you go.

Now, I often see you on your own

What happened to you?

Is there something I have never known?

There is something I'll tell you too.

But I decided not to

The world is not about you and me

There is nothing left to do

To let you know I have loved you.